"You have to have a darkness... for the dawn to come" - Unknown.

I'm pretty sad today. It isn't because I've lost something and it isn't because I've found something. It isn't because I've been listening to sad songs or revising sad literature.
If I'm honest I don't know why I'm sad...
Well I know why, but I can't express why, because I am not clear, myself on what that 'why' involves.
Does that make sense?

In simple terms; I am sad because I am blind to actions which others have seen.
I wish to be like the others. I wish to have eyes that do not require a limit - or a recharge.
But on the other hand I feel that it is better for me to be blind, rather than see what action I long to see. Surely if this is the wish of the divine - then it must be for the best.
This post is very confusing. I understand. In ways I do not want you to understand it. In other ways; I do.
I am scared of what was. What might be. And what could be.
I know briefly - what was. I hope that it is not what it might be. And I know what I wish it could be.
If I plague my mind on some of these factors, I know full well that my mind will rot and decay. So why do I put my opinions down when I know that it is bad for my well-being?
Feelings cause so much hurt, yet they can also cause so much joy.

Love.

Curse love.
Love causes more hurt than joy. It bubbles deep down within the very depths of our being, and even when we let it burst abruptly from our entity - it recoils - always - with such force it knocks us aback. What do we mean by love? It is certainly not trust. I do not trust my cat to return when night falls, but I say that I 'love' it. Mhmm maybe the same principle can be applied to human nature...

At least this, this makes me smile. [18|05|2009]

"Once you label me, you negate me." - Soren Kierkgaard

Perhaps my favourite quote of all time. If we study it - well, nothing becomes of it. After hours of staring at those small, black squiggles on the screen, or written down in whoever's handwriting; it still means exactly the same thing. Funny that.
At least this, this makes me smile.

Simplicity is beautiful. I think, without studying simple things, we would find it very difficult to move on, and develop bigger things, wider things, and things which are, well, perfect in every way.
But things are never really simple. They are usually complicated in some way.
This leads to annoyance. Let me explain;
Asda shuts at 4pm on a Sunday. This is "very" annoying, especially when you want to spruce up your beloved toenails with some glaze or some falsies.
Or perhaps,
That girl who looks like a pig, well imagine her...yes..."her". Well she's in your kitchen, and she sneezes. In normal circumstances this is only slightly annoying, but unfortunately it suddenly becomes even more annoying, due to the Swine Flu epidemic sweeping the nation. So now my beautiful bacon covered Lincolnshire sausages I freshly prepared are ruined... yes...you agree...not only do you want to punch the pig-girl in the face; you are also extremely annoyed.

With Asda opening times and pig-girls aside, we will speak about relationships... After I brief and rather disappointing visit to Dudley "shithole" zoo, and a night out to The "emo fag" Planet; Dom and I are simple.
Simple = Good.
As I tried to explain in a lengthy intellectual manner at the beginning of the conversation. Simple is a lot better than complicated or delicate...well...it is in my opinion. Those words shout negative at me.
I must say the future is looking healthy. Off to America with any luck this Summer, to live the dream. This makes me extremely happy... long days to frolic in the sun... earn some dollars and travel, although that sounds awfully appealing, the part I am looking forward to the most is that I get to spend it with my Dommy.
I'll probably regret writing this, due to the amount of stick I'll get... but I've never been this happy in my life. Its a great feeling... knowing someone [especially someone that beautiful] love you. I can officially state it is better than popping bubble wrap.
So, so, so, I guess it's true what they say:

"You have to wade through the shit in order to get to the gold" - Ruthie Sheppard

Some things last...

"I was thinking how nothing lasts, and what a shame that is.... Some things last."
Benjamin Button

I am in love. And love is a glorious thing. I want to tell everybody that I love him, I guess that is why I'm awake at this time writing this ridiculous blog.
No, I'm not drunk. No, I'm not crazy.
I've never felt like this before, it is a funny feeling knowing that I'm in love with a boy and that he is surely in love with me <3 It makes me wants to run and run and possibly run some more, jump and cheer. I feel so happy, okay lets say... overjoyed.
I never expected to come to univeristy and pick up a whole new life. I never expected to fall in love.

Yipee!

Of all the things you wear... [29|04|2009]

"Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important."
Janet Lane

I haven't blogged in a couple of days and there is a reason for this, but to cut a long story short... I blew up my laptop. Not a wise move, I agree but I didn't do it on purpose.
I took a trip to PC World yesterday and got this one, so here I am. Back again, for your entertainment.

A diamond - [25|04|2009]

A diamond with a flaw is worth more than a pebble without imperfections.
Chinese Proverb

So basically we're all pebbles. As soon as you believe your a diamond, you have farther to fall.
We should all learn to be grateful for what we have and treat our lives with respect, or other people will not respect us. On reflection I have abused myself; my body, my morals/beliefs and my self-esteem, and now the smoke has cleared I am able to see myself as I really am.
Sure, I'm nothing special. I'd rather to a pebble to be honest, it means I have little goals and expectations, rather than huge public displays.
I am happy for who I am and who I want to be.
I am happy with the relationships I hold.
And I am happy with what I believe and why I believe it.
Finally, I am doing things because I want to do them.

Despite minor set backs I feel the happiest that I've felt in a while. I've built my confidence a lot since my attendence at university and now I want more from life. I am glad I came. I'm glad I met Dommy. And I'm glad I'm sat up at this ridiculous time writing this blog.

So that leaves me to say: "The seaweed is always greener in somebody elses lake" - Disney

Life is like an onion - [24|04|2009]

"Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep."
Carl Sandburg

Despite being completely addicted to Pepsi Cola, I've had quite an interesting day. I can't say it's been a "happy" day. I've learnt things that have made me sad, but to contrast I've learnt things that have made me happy.
So, overall I guess the day has been neutral in some respects. I will say however, it has been a hard day.
I've not been out much, and even a spot of retail therapy didn't perk up my spirits [and for those you may not know me - that is a strange occurrence].

I'm sure you will agree when I say how everything starts off so perfect, and then as time takes hold, these things seem to break down and they aren't as perfect as they once were?
Time is the deadliest, yet liveliest thing that shares my existence. Yet, if it did not exist then neither would I. Strange isn't it?
Without time, we would not see things as they were, instead they would be as we wanted them to appear. And as our morals tell us... whatever the consequence... and however much it hurts... truth should always be the main priority.
If we look deeper into this situation, and focus on what we truly want and we stop fighting the inevitable; time will stop fighting us.

I would recommend that everyone would learn this simple fact the hard way, as then we do not overlook the importance of it. And surely... it is positive that we can take something that is negative and alter it's meaning to benefit us.

As for my day... well that better after a lengthily chat with Dommy. I feel better now, despite the realization and the heartache. It is only today I learnt the above on reflection.
Thanks to those who cared; Leona :D and Rob :D I do appreciate your concern. I am content now. It was inevitable, like time, and it's days like this which strengthen you and your relationship. These are the days which make you want to stand on the highest point and shout, and similarly many philosophers would say that these are the days that smack you round the fucking face and shout "Fanny", but they say it with longer words and in a complicated and sophisicated manner.
I learnt things I didn't want to learn. Things that I could have happily existed without knowing, but in a sort of inherent contradiction I would have been unhappy if I my ears were blind. Now I know I can move forward and try to use misfortunes to benefit.

If I learnt one thing from today, I'd say that flowers can still grow in dark places.
Ruth .x.